Places and people I miss

Its almost Christmas and it has not sunk in yet. I just think it's going to be another day in the year, thankfully it is a long weekend which means it is going to be a short working week next week.
I decided to work Monday to Friday and keep my Saturdays free. I think I should have some sort of relaxation before i go back out the school.

I cant help but think about California this time of year since I was there the day after Christmas. I spent about 18 hours of my day on my way there and I still remember how excited I was to be going to the west coast. I miss everyone soo much especially Tammy and Diana and the Seaman's by extension. I felt so welcomed and loved and spoilt. They did not allow me to do anything!! not even laundry. By far that is the best vacation I ever had to date. I think it is because I can see Christ in everyone there... that makes a hugeee difference and i just felt at home. I remember how excited Nicole was to have me stay at her house and have Krista give up her room for me.

I usually never wanted to visit the same place twice unless it was years apart but Ca is drawing me back for some reason. I had a chance to go to NY and I was hoping that it would fall through and it did. And I am not sad one bit. I do want to go back to Cali in the near future. Although the summers may be like torture i think i will love it. I am praying that God works it all out. I know there are places i can stay... and lots of things to do. And there will be more people to meet...like Tammy's new baby.

I always keep Cali and the people in it in prayer... I love them soo much

I always know this would happen...i start a blog and am never consistent with it. I am finished with a semester of school and I am so happy i am on a two month break, but I am feeling so bored already. But I am going back to work to start saving again. I am definitely gonna be so bored again. I am getting a side job as a bartender at events to bring in some extra cash for the upcoming semester. My sister wants to go somewhere new so she wants to go CA. I am saving soo much to go with her but if not, i'm sure she'll be fine by herself.


It was interesting going back to school with such young children. This is the first time ever I went through exams calm and composed both for mid semester and finals. I am pretty confident of my final grades. My aim to to keep a 3.5 GPA at least to qualify for a scholarship to study abroad. I think it may be a lonely road in terms of not having friends in school. I have not been this focused on school in my life before and I think people think I'm too uptight. I really don't care, at the end of the day I know what I am there for.

This year went by so quickly. I am so excited to see what God is going to do in my life and in church. His spirit is just moving in this place...getting ready for a revival. I need to get more involved in my youths... asking God to show me how.

I actually went to the movies three times in 2 weeks...which is the most ive done for most of the year...

Reflections from school

The semester is almost over and I have not written a thing since I started my new college experience. It took me such a long time to get adjusted to everything and all the papers and projects and research papers due. It has definitely been an interesting school semester which is winding down really quickly. I have some days off before exam starts and then I am home for two glorious months. Sadly I don't have the finances to travel in that two months.

There was never a weekend where I didn't have work to do, or studying to get done. After my mid semester I was at the top of the class which I am so proud of. I have never been so dedicated to work as I am now. I really believe this is where i should be, its like confirmation from God. I have had to work in groups and that has been so challenging for me at times. the huge age gap really made it frustrating at times.

Being a child of God means we have to stand out and be different and that comes with the fact that not everyone is going to like you. And boy oh boy have I seen that this semester. Someone always tries to bring down your name but character above all else stands. I know I am going to have my challenges throughout. But sometimes when people are backstabbers it can be difficult. Tonight i just started crying when a class mate told me the things others say about me. I know it should not bother me but tonight I don't know what happened. People will talk no matter what I do, so why am I being such a crybaby about this? I'm human too, I bleed red.

I aim to be the top, but I have to ensure I take care of me too. I tend to work hard and no play whatsoever. I have been in church once a week for most of the semester and that too has been hard. I love God and pray that i be grounded in Him

that was wow!!!

August is finally over but boy do I have memories. I honestly cannot complain about not having fun last month. It ended up being so much fun and I didn't even leave the country. My computer stopped working in the early parts of August and didn't get fixed til late August and I honestly didn't miss it one bit. I went Youth Week for the dance and drama categories and it was powerful. Although I don't know who won it was amazing to see the fellowship and talent that people has. I got to see some people I didn't in a while and that is always a plus for me.

I went to Toco with our youths. Camp was amazing. It was a week full of minimum sleep, beach, lots of food, lots of word and prayer. It was a place where we got to bond like never before. Sister Mary was our chef and food was never out of stock... she spoiled us rotten. We studied different aspects of David's life, about his anointing, and killing his giants. I got to teach on the Tuesday night :) and God moved in that place. I love times like that!!! deliverance and healing tears for all. I ended up getting sick that night,and everyone took really good care of me. I got exempted from all duties the next day!!! (although we didn't have much to do at camp)
Another major event was the men and women cook off at Mayaro. The youths and some adults went up on Monday night and we did not sleep. We went to the beach to watch the sunrise and had a super busy day. I reached home and just went to sleep!!!!

In between I had some awesome moments and I realised I really really love dance (
Tammy should be happy to see that statement) I don't know what about it that I love but I just love it.
Today God reminded me that He directed David to pick up 5 stones, not because David would miss but there was 5 giants to slay. David didn't slay the last one until His old age. God equipped young shepherd boy David, gave him the tools He needed to do the work of the Lord. He reminded me that while we are called to do certain things or while we have the "stones in our pocket" God will not do things before His appointed time. He also reminded me that there are things inside of me that has not manifested just yet but it will.

School in 5 days!!!! still excited!!! I can't wait to see what God is going to do :)

We are already in July, the second half of the year has started and soon it will be Christmas. Wow its been a year already since Tammy and her dance team came to Trinidad. I miss them although it was really just a few months ago I was eating their very amercian food with a mission to get me fat. Next time I think i need to go for a lot longer :)

I am starting TTHTI in September, back in the life a student. I am really looking forward to it, right now I'm just organizing all my payments and dreading a doctor's visit. That is going to be quite an adjustment, from a working girl with her own salary to a full time student with an allowance. God is still Jehovah Jireh. Sadly there will be no vacation for me this year but I am going to take a week off from work to go Toco with the youths in august, that will have to be my "vacation" this year. Last year was quite an experience, the way God moved, the food, the fellowship, the alone time with my bible and books, the beach (even thought it poured two out of the three days we were there)and the lack of sleep.

I have learnt that in the darkest hours and the most trying times we still have a song to sing and we should be singing it. That reminds us of our joy (which is internal and can only be given by God) which is our strength. We have to press on and go through the fire in order to come out on the other side. God compares us to silver being refined. The blacksmith has to watch over the precious metal, if it is taken out too soon, it will not be ready and will easily fall apart. If it is left too long it will be destroyed so he takes it out just at the right time. So it is with us, He watches over us always.

I have a cross that I bear daily and really Jesus causes a lot of things to happen. Seriously no one can tell me that Jesus isn't real. The bible says that parents will be against children and sisters against sisters... I live that every single day. But I'm doing ok I guess because Jesus is carrying my cross with me :) sure I feel to cry my eyes out at times and scream in pillows but God is seeing me through.

I wished my friends lived closer to me.

New Chapter, still trusting God

I finally heard from TTHTI that I got accepted to do the BSc I want to do... hospitality management. I did get panicked a few times well while waiting (which always seems to take forever when it comes to me simply because I lack patience.Still in my moments of panic God's word came back to me... Be anxious for nothing. Daddy told me not to have any "plan B" and I really didn't have a back up plan this rounds..so I am improving.

I am so excited for school to start, and I have no idea how long that will last. I know I have to work my butt off to maintain good GPA and not get in trouble with church. I have already started getting lectured about having to cut back on service and we're only in June for crying out loud. I am not looking forward to missing church any given day. I will be back full time which leaves no time for me to work. I am trusting God to see me through every area of my life.

Sigh

Lately I've been feeling everything but happy. The joy of the Lord is my strength and I am so convinced it is what is keeping me. My emotions are just so messed up and for the life of me I cannot figure out what is going on, what is the root of it all!!! Is it a place where I'm finding myself in? Or is it a place where God is showing me and teaching me something??? I've been extremely moody, with no explanation. Right now I don't even know but I know I hate where I am.I want to be able to deal with situations better. Guess that is where Jesus comes in. He deals with them for me or gives me the strength to do it.

This season God has me dealing with relationships with other people. He's certainly placing people strategically and certainly at a distance. this time it feels a lot harder but I lay everything at His feet and trust in the fact that He knows what He is doing. At the same time I want people to be around I think I'm pushing people away without realising it. I feel like the friends that are still around I'm messing things up and it makes me want to not want to be around anyone. Strange coming from a people person.

Resting In Jesus is harder than I thought it would be. I'm so accustomed doing something, but right now everything is at a stand still. Ministry: dance, exhortation and other things have come to an almost complete halt... I just want to find my place in this Kingdom.

I'm pressing, definitely pressing.

God is always working even when we don't feel He is there. A lot of times I don't know what He is up to but I know He is working out every single detail of my life. I am somehow amazed by the way people view my life... they see me as extremely strong, particularly faithful and the biggest encourager around who does not take things lightly. I was having a conversation with my friend of about 8 months and i said something about being overwhelmed... and he laughed. I wanted to know what was so funny because here I am being real with him about how i was feeling and he was laughing. Basically he said, I would never think you could get that way. I was like I am human too and I have those days where I just want to cry my eyes out.

Last week i had two over the top conversations via chat. And really it was just God speaking to me through these people. The first was with David, whom I had never spoken to before, nor did he know anything about me or where I was spiritually. All he knew was that I wanted to learn about prophecy. I figured it best to ask someone operating in the gift about it, made sense to me. one thing that stood out to me was God will always take care of the ministry part you never have to worry about what might come. I think sometimes I'm too hurry when God is telling me rest and wait. All God wants is a willing vessel. I had more questions than answers.

Shortly after I chatted with David, I had another over the top convo and it was so much that i really could not respond to it. I was just like ok God im listening. Pastor Chris told me, Oh yeah God is busy in my direction. I still go over those convos a lot because its a lot to chew on.

Shortly after that my sister and I got into this huge terrible argument. our fights somehow get worse everytime and I deal with it differently. there are lots of time i say a lot of things I don't mean but gosh its getting harder and harder.

I feel alone a lot of times, but I know im not ever alone. All of a sudden my friends are no where to be found and while this is what God wants it's still very painful. I know you are here Lord, and I am totally sold out for You

what now... where to?

Youth for Christ asked me to be a writer for their newsletter and I just said yes... and I feel this is what God wants me to do, now I guess all the meetings begin and we plan and whatever else but I'm really excited about it. It's definitely a new venture for me but I can't wait. Even when school starts back it will be something that I can still do. Plus it will help me to stay in the word a lot more.

Yet in the midst of that I feel totally lost.
We are all created with a purpose but these days I am wondering what is mine. I know my talents and gifts (at least what it is now) but I don't know how to use them or where I can use them so at times I feel completely useless at times. God is so silent and I just am seeking Him knowing that I will find Him but not knowing what I will find. The amazing thing is I know I am in His hand and no one can pluck me out and He is still in control. It is in waiting God prepares us for what is to come... prepare us to receive what is for us. But it does not make things any easier.

It took me a long time to learn that He can take everything I throw at Him and then some... what an awesome friend/father/lover I have in Jesus... now He is reminding me that He can take all my complaints too. All my Whys and When and How questions that I have in my heart. So once I'm complaining to Him more than I am to others, I guess that can work. I am trusting Him and holding on to what I know.

In my life I have realised that everyone gets "busy" at the same time. Everyone just pulls away from me... there is no mentors, no close friends around... I know it happens ever so often but it never is easier whenever it happens. I guess God wants me all to Himself.

Camp 2010 - Restored by Grace

I decided since I like the camp thing I would make it a thing to do every carnival weekend. This year i camped with Scaborough New testament Church of God, our sister church in Tobago. I went a day early and got to go beach. How can I go Tobago and not go beach? Rachael and Camille went up for camp do we met up in town then headed to the beach. I swear Tobago sun is wayyy hotter than Trinidad's sun. We spent practically all day in the beach and was nursing for some wonderful sunburn.

Camp officially started Friday night. Pur theme for camp was "restored by grace" and the them scripture was psalm 51...when David sinned with Bathsheba. David is still my favourite bible character of all time so I was thrilled that we were doing this. Every morning they woke us up at 6 for PE then then put us into teams: Benjamin, Levi, Reuben, and Judah. This year there was a lot of little kids, while every team had 5 kids, I swear we had the most unresponsive, shortest attention span kids ever.They had to transfer two of the bigger boys to my team. Overall we placed 3rd but for me it wasn't about winning or loosing. I was placed as a team leader along with Darrel.

Saturday was a hike...then followed by part one of sports. I actually played basketball and football. Sun was a scorcher and I got sooo tanned, its not funny. Benjamin didnt exactly win any sports but we did soo awesome in quiz though. Bible stuff is my strong point but I'm not the one who answered most of the question. Shion who is 8 years was on fire!!!! she got some of the more difficult questions correct and everyone was simply amazed at this little girl.

Talent audition was good, there were 4 categories : dance, individual, test piece based on psalm 51, and drama/dialogue. I wanted my team to enter all and it was a bit of coaxing but it was done. I must admit I am soooo proud of the boys in the team. Jakim, Devon, Rensin aka Twin. Those boys pulled me out so many times. They did the drama and the song and the song went through and the dance that i put together in 30 minutes. During part 2 of sports they just did what they had to do. i didnt even have to ask them to participate even though they knew we were loosing badly.
After that i really didn't mind if we did place 4th overall. It may have taken some persuading but they really came through.

When I saw that my dance went through and was chosen as a team leader i Just laughed. Sometimes I just know that God is preparing me for things ahead. Camp wasn't without it's challenges but it was a wonderful experience. Would I go back again? yes I would and without hesitation. Tobago is absolutely wonderful!!! and I Love SNTCOG and the people there. I want to go Tobago more often and I plan on going at least once a year. I have a paradise island next to me.

After vacation always comes the routine. I miss California a lot and the friends that reside there. I'm glad that I am back in church and now all ministries are up and running. I also admit that I have come home feeling refreshed, I deal with customers at work a lot better, I'm more pleasant to my family and I don't think that work in a total bore...well at least not yet.

I'm surprised at how my family and I have been getting along since I came back. I've been back three weeks now and my sister and I have not had one argument.
The week before I left for California, we had these huge fights, she said more things to me than I said to her but a lot of the things she said didn't really bother me. I just accepted it as the way she saw me and I can't change her mind about it. When I came back she was actually being nice to me and I was just waiting on the next word she had to say but so far so good. I'm praying it stays this way for a long time.

Carnival weekend is almost here...for most people it's just revelry and feting...for me I'm getting a get away in Tobago. I'm camping with the Scarborough Church of God and I am super excited... camp, Tobago, seriously what more can I possible want?
And I'm getting an extra day In Tobago. I did get warned from everyone... apparently they paste and mush and initiate new comers, which would be me this year. And yes I am carrying my camera.

I'm waiting to register for school... this waiting period is kinda killing me... I'm like yes this is definitely what I want to do... everything will fall into place. I'm not really looking forward to commuting close to 2 hrs on a daily basis. Besides that I'm going to be a full time student... I don't like that a lot...yes I get to finish faster but...

My heart is really heavy... Oh Lord, be my strength and my shield, my fortress.